


Our Joy Was Bright

by howveryzoe



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: ???? - Freeform, F/M, Just a Drabble sort of, M/M, based on satisfied, bobby maler is peggy come after me, ernst as angelica(again i know stop), ham as hans (shhh i know it makes no sense), i guess this is a song fic but I'm not using song lyrics?, idk - Freeform, im doing the counting thing im sorry im a hoe, just watch that video of Josh signing satisfied, low key ham au, max is laurens, my concept of grammar is essentially nonexistent, please don't idolize george washington bc fanny gabor is him in this fic, so there's that, they just are i don't care, they're all poc just trust me ok?, wendla is eliza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-07 12:58:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6805642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howveryzoe/pseuds/howveryzoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're like me, I'm never satisfied." "Is that right?" "I've never been satisfied."</p>
<p>Hamilton AU, might become a series I don't know</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Joy Was Bright

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired that video of Josh signing satisfied. I don't really know. I've just been screaming about this with Lydia for a bit. Title from "Song of Achilles" which is ironic.

He's walking around in that blurred state that seems to be common for one at a party full of unfamiliars.

Max von Trenk stands at the center of the room drunkenly giving his best man speech.

Well-wishers take Ernst's hands exclaiming their congratulations and he can only nod and smile along blandly, seeking out his sister far across the room. She is radiant, a vision in her white lace wedding gown, her bright, genuine small making a sharp contrast to his bland one. Her veil looking more like a crown atop her dark hair. Seeing her like this, so beautiful, so happy, he can almost trick himself into feeling the same. Trick himself into believing that the pit in his stomach and ache in his head are just sadness over his baby sister growing up. Just anxiety over not being married himself as his mother said. That it isn't something darker and deeper. A wine colored mark upon his very nature.

Because how can he be upset? On his sister's wedding day of all days? It's inhuman truly. They've dreamed about this day for years. And he has been instrumental in bringing it about. He'd gone so far as picking out the groom.

The groom.

Standing there beside her, his arm always around her shoulder, his casual smile drifting in and out of his face. The blue coat with the gold buttons that makes every woman shamelessly flirt with him. That had caught Ernst's eye just a few weeks ago. On that night. That night he will never be able to forget.

He hadn't expected much going into that night. His life was an endless parade of parties full of boring people. Shallow members of high society making vapid, meaningless conversation. Or asking questions that are intended to make him blush and. Girls flirting with him for his father's money. Wendla is too sweet to refuse them and always ends up lost in the thick of it with Bobby. But he has learned how to hug the walls and nod his head passively. To dress as inconspicuously as possible so as to blend in. Because if no one talks to him he can get by. He can pretend that he is like them. That he doesn't have this burning secret inside of him.

He remembers a twinge of disappointment in fact when the man had walked towards him. But then he saw him. His confident gait and blazing dark eyes, the swish of his shiny black ponytail. Ernst felt hooked almost instantly. A soldier's uniform but he can immediately tell this boy has none of the soldier's crassness. He holds himself like an aristocrat though Ernst is certain he has never seen him before.

"This party not striking your fancy?" There is a gleam in his eye and he walks closer to Ernst than seems dignified. The boy can feel his hot breath on his neck. 

"Just no one really to talk to." He replies looking off in the other direction, hoping Bobby will catch his eye and save him from the conversation.

"Will my conversation satisfy?" Ernst laughs a little, pink slightly tinging his cheeks. "Actually, no, you strike as someone who has never been satisfied."

The boy takes a step back, but finds only wall, closing him in with the soldier and his smart, hungry, blazing eyes. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean, you forget yourself." He smooths his suit, his lips only half open to stop his smile and his eyes half closed from narrowing them in concentration.

 "You're like me, I'm never satisfied." He breathes into the "r" just a bit.

"Is that right?"

"I've never been satisfied." He grins slowly. "And I'd wager you'll never be satisfied by a woman."

"Sir!" His eyes twitch anxiously and he drums his fingers against his pants, his neck heating up.

"Don't sound so shocked. It's not as if it's a secret. Half of New York City has been gossiping about it." The man laughs. 

"And what do they say about you?"

"Me? Nothing as of yet. But I can tell you that both man and woman can at least temporarily assuage me." The glint in his eye is back.

"You're quite frank." Ernst's brow furrows, then with a change of heart, he lets his features loosen a bit. "I'm Ernst Bergmann, and you are?" He extends his hand to shake.

"Hanschen Rilow." Instead of taking his hand, he bends down into a bow and takes Ernst's hand in his, kissing it as one would do to a King or Queen. He is too dumbstruck to even pull his hand away.

"I haven't heard that name, 'Rilow.' What does your family do? Not high up in New York I would guess."

"That doesn't matter because I'm going to make a name for myself. In fact you're going to be hearing quite a bit about me. I'm going to change the world."

"You really believe that? You believe the revolution will work?" He doesn't ask it to be combative, he is honestly curious.

"I'm certain. We're the first colony to ever break away from the mother country. That's a success in itself. Imagine what we will do next."

"Even if it succeeds. Will anything change for a girl like my sister? Still forced to marry for money. Or men like you and me? We'll still have to hide in shadows." 

Hanschen latches onto the last phrase and grins. "I wouldn't be so sure. Do you see that man over there?"

He points out a tall mans with a curly pony tail talking to Bobby at the back of the room. "That's aide-de-camp Max von Trenk. Now, the general of the Continental Army, the mother of this good nation, General Fanny Gabor knows that he screwed me so hard I was nearly screaming into my pillow til the morning light. But does she discharge us? Hang us? Even tell anyone to sully our names? No, she asks me if I want to share a cabin with him. Laughed a bit and advised me on lubricants. Does that sound like conservatism to you?"

Ernst is blushing beet red and his breathing has sped up. Hanschen is so close now, he notices the shadow his mustache. "No, sir."

"You don't have to 'sir' me Ernst. I'm sure we're about the same age." Still he can tell the honorific pleases him. "The point I'm getting at is that people aren't as concrete as they appear to be. We all have our secret sins. That's what strings the human race together."

"And what's your's? Outside of aide-de-camp von Trenk and your insatiable appetite for flesh?"

"Ambition. It eats me alive. Your's Ernst Bergmann? Besides the obvious."

"I...I can't control myself. I try hard but I can't seem to ever do it. I always end up falling from grace."

"That's no sin in my eyes."

He pauses for a moment and licks his teeth.

"Come home with me."

"What?!"

"You heard me well. Come back to where I'm staying. I'll hold you so tight you won't even realize you're falling again."

He thinks about it for a second. "Will aide-de-camp von Trenk be there as well?" He asks coyly.

A hearty slightly sarcastic laughter comes out of his mouth and he throws his head back with it. It unsettles Ernst and he shifts his feet a bit. "I have little doubt that Max will be in the next room. But he's a good boy, he can mind his own busy. And he's not that against sharing either. The three of us can have quite a time." He reads Ernst's face carefully and then back-peddles. "If that's what you're in the mood for, of course. I can get him to stay out for the night. I'm sure your little brother won't be opposed to that idea." He gestures towards Bobby leaning against a staircase, blushing and smiling as he talks with Max.

Ernst pauses for a second, thinking it over. He wants him, that's quiet clear. He wants him in a way rising from his stomach or lower, but the feeling was certainly flirting its way upwards into places like his mind or his heart. And he's never felt that way, but he isn't sure he wants it to go any further or not. Because a night spent with this boy won't do much if he isn't caught, and he's good at not being caught. But falling in love with this boy, that is dangerous. That's the difference between being screwed into your pillow so hard you scream and something that can ruin your whole family's name. Still he lets a small smile overtake his lips. "...Maybe."

"Maybe?"

He might've said yes. History might've been drastically different. Their lives would've changed forever that you can guarantee, in ways neither of them could know. But instead he turns his head and catches a glimpse of Wendla. Standing far away near the center of the room, staring at them. Well, not at them, at Hanschen. Her eyes are worried but her eyebrows are raised as if she is straining to see. She stands slightly on her tiptoes, trying to grab Ernst's attention maybe, or, what he thinks is the truth, to take in as much of Hanschen as she can get. Hoping he might notice her too.

And then it all makes sense to Ernst. 

Firstly, he understands exactly who he is. A boy from a wealthy family, a family well renowned in New York City. A family that is constantly watched by the public, expected to be a paragon of virtue and if any of them were to mess up, it would be known. And even more so he's the eldest son. He must carry on the legacy. Bobby could remain a bachelor and find a boy to take care of him. But Ernst must marry, he must make a name for himself. He must protect the family's money. Hanschen is no one. And even more so he's a male no one. It would never work.

Secondly, Ernst may be kind but he's not stupid. He can tell that at least some of Hanschen's interest is social climbing. The young man is at the bottom of society. And he wants to reach the top. The Bergmanns are the top for better or worse. Hanschen views him as a stepping stone to get there. His family name will aid Hanschen in his rise. So it's no stretch to assume that another Bergmann might do just as well. And his sister is beautiful and loving and naive. Her falling in love with Hanschen would be easy. 

And finally, he and Wendla have been raised as close as two souls can be. He would kill for her. He would face torture for her. He would die for her. All easy. And she for him. If she knew the truth of their conversation she would let it be. But not easy. And his little sister's heart doesn't have to break for his own momentary pleasure. For a romance that is surely doomed. He can change that. It is in his power to change that. So instead of answering he takes Hanschen's hand in his.

"Come with me." He forces a smile to his face.

"Where?" He can tell from Hanschen's tone of voice he expects a secluded corner for the two of them. Instead Ernst leads him over to Wendla. 

"I'm going to change your whole life."

"Well then lead the way."

Ernst nods at Wendla with a knowing smile. She places her hand over her mouth and then quickly curtsies. "Wendla Bergmann, it's such a pleasure to meet you."

"This is my sister." He explains to Hanschen, extending his arm to indicate towards her. Hanschen takes her hand in her hand and kisses it, but not, as Ernst grudgingly notes, in the same savoring way he had kissed his own earlier.

"Thank you for your service to our new nation." Wendla tells him, smiling sweetly.

"If it takes fighting a war for us to meet it will have been worth it."

"I'll leave you to it." Ernst leaves them.

He doesn't see him again til they're leaving the ballroom. He catches his eye as he heads towards his waiting carriage and as Hanschen heads towards his horse. He pats Max's shoulder and indicates for him to wait with their horses.

"Hey!"

"Hey." Ernst responds, detached. 

"Your sister is quite a charming girl."

"She's the best you'll ever have."

"What about you? What about my offer?"

It's Ernst's turn to laugh now, which he does, softly and bitterly. "Perhaps if you had caught me at age fifteen I'd have said yes. I expect a letter from you to my sister as soon as possible. Now...goodnight Mr.Rilow."

He turns to walk away, but before he can reach his carriage Hanschen calls out his name once more, making him turn. "Ernst! I think...I think in another world maybe I could love you."

He doesn't smile now, merely shakes his head. "Even so I wouldn't be enough for you. Besides we live here and now sir." With that he rushes into his carriage before Hanschen can get another word in.

He thinks of him while Wendla reads the letters she receives, letters filled with promises of love and eternity, he and Bobby sit beside her on her bed, laughing and encouraging her. Bobby already planning the wedding for her jokingly.

Every time Hanschen is at their house it pricks at his heart and he retires to his room as quickly as acceptable. When he proposes and their father agrees, Ernst holds Wendla's hand and comforts her nerves. He helps her into her wedding dress while Bobby fixes her hair, despite it being the task meant more for a mother or sister.

He is there at the altar when they give each other the rest of their lives. And he is back smiling at their wedding reception. Max asking him for a speech, laughing.

He's toasting their union and their happiness. He scans the eyes of the well wishers for an eligible girl. It's high time he settled down.

He'll write to Hanschen no matter what he promises himself that. He won't lose him, not completely. He'll still feel the way he does when Hanschen looks at him, for a few moments a year. And Wendla will be so happy with him. So blissfully perfectly happy. 

And for Hanschen, all of that, will only be temporary pleasure.

For him, it will be nothing.

In any marriage Ernst enters he will get nothing.

He lowers his cup.


End file.
